I see perfection in my own reflection.

When I was a kid, I used to love sleeping, simply to dream. I had crazy, vivid dreams. As I grew older, I recalled my dreams less and less. Last night, I had a very vivid, very memorable dream. I had gotten sick, in this dream. Apparently, I didn’t have a mirror, or had passed out for days, ‘cause when I awoke (or whatever you would call it), I could not recall being sick. My dad informed me I had been ill, and had lost weight. I looked in the mirror, and I had the body I had always dreamed of! (Totally illogical, having an athletic body from being ill, but it’s a dream, come on...) I looked amazingly athletic. I even had sexy abs! I looked lean and strong, but all over my body were deep, ugly scars.

Scars--like head-to-toe, been-in-crazy-combat scars! That was it. Perfect, athletic body, covered in scars. I’m not sure what it means. I usually don’t think my dreams are trying to tell me anything, but this time I do. Call me weird, call me a hippie, call me whatever you like! I really think my subconscious is trying to communicate with me. (Really, I’m not crazy...)

Last night I posted about my own body image issues, and baby, they are UGLY! Anyway, I have two theories on the message of my dream. First, I think that no matter how “perfect” my body can become, it will never be the “perfect” I think I want. My body is what my body is, and I can’t change that. My second theory is that the scars are my inner-scars. That even if my body is “perfect”, or closer to my perception of “perfect”, that I still have the inner-scars to take care of.

I certainly have a lot to work on, inside and out...

nom nom nom

I’ve brought up paleo several times. Some of you might be wondering just what paleo is. Is it some fad diet, like Dr. Atkins, or the grapefruit diet (do people still do that?). Do I count calories, or uh...points? Nope. It’s not a fad, and it’s not something you have to be neurotic about, tracking how many carbs you eat, fat, or protein. Paleo is the way our ancestors ate, before agriculture and grains ruined everything. Back when we were hunter/gatherers.

Wait a minute... Does this mean I need to like, kill my own meat or whatever? Or forage for berries? While I imagine it would be fun, and yummy, to forage for berries, you can still purchase your goods from the local market. Though, you’ll get higher quality noms from a healthy-ish food store, like Trader Joe’s.

Anyway, enough babble from me. Here are some fan-freaking-tastic places to check out, to find out more about paleo, and how you too, can be grain free. Let me just tell you, I’ve tried many different “diets”, and nothing makes as much sense as paleo. It’s not even really a diet, it’s a lifestyle. Which means, you don’t drink shakes, lose weight, then get fat all over again, once you’re no longer purchasing that overpriced crap. (Don’t get me started on how much I LOATHE shake-based “nutrition programs”... BUUUUUUUULLCRAP!)

More science-minded? This one’s for you:

http://robbwolf.com/

Just want to get going, and make some yummy food?

http://everydaypaleo.com/

Good site, and some free eBooks!

http://www.marksdailyapple.com/

Those are my main sources, so I’ll post more as I feel the need. Enjoy, and research!

I weigh HOW much?!

I love food. I just wanted to say that. I love to eat. I love...when my husband cooks. (I can cook, I just don’t enjoy doing the cooking...) I love going out to eat, especially when I can dress up and be all girly. What I don’t love is my pudgy belly, my huge butt, and my big thighs. Oddly enough, a lot of people give me compliments on my thighs. Go figure.

Anyway, my whole life I have obsessed over my body, and what I see as nothing but flaws and imperfections. I think about my weight all the time, and how my belly looks and feels over my pants. I think about the way my thighs rub together as I walk, and the way my butt bounces as I run. I don’t picture this as a sexy thing, either. Boy, oh boy... You think that’s wrong? I used to be WORSE! So bad, I think my bad body image consumed almost my every waking thought. Even as a kid, I knew I was fat, and I HATED it. In case I forgot, the other kids reminded me.

Thankfully, losing some weight has somewhat alleviated this, but it took a lot of mental work. I had to consciously accept who I was, and how I looked. I had to *GASP!* LOVE myself, jiggly bits and all!

“I guess I have a decent shape, even if it’s a little lumpy...”

“I don’t look too bad in a dress...as long as the skirt is long enough.”

To me, this was kind. Obviously, still harmful to my body image, and self-esteem. What’s my point, you may be asking? Don’t we all struggle with this, as men and women? Okay, okay... Here’s my point. Ready?

I’m gonna do something crazy... Something I’ve NEVER done in my life, other than the times I just didn’t give a damn, and ate whatever I wanted! I will think of my thighs as powerful and beautiful. I will put away the scale and the measuring tape. All I’m going to worry about is listening to my body, eating only when I’m hungry, and only ‘til I’m full, not stuffed. All with healthy, whole, paleo-approved foods. Heck, I’m even trying to make my wording more positive. I just had to rewrite that paragraph, so it doesn’t sound so negative.

Why in the world would I want to do that? Well, I’ve tried almost everything else. Why not try just living? Why not just do what my body was meant to do, and eat how I was meant to eat? I’m sure that’s enough for you to digest today. Think about this, and when you’re ready, read this article. You may just join me in my journey. It’s scary, but kinda liberating.

Uh...what? I need to buy a what?

As if it couldn’t get worse, I received an email saying I was an alt for the B team, and needed to purchase a jersey for the upcoming game. As I had just been told I wasn’t part of the team, and received an email from the coach, detailing what I need to work on, you can see why I would be hesitant. The sender insisted I was on the list, when I emailed back with my concerns. A text to the coach and it was all cleared up. Apparently, I was selected as an alt on some old list, but the email sender just received the new list. Oops. I didn’t really get my hopes up, but it kinda sucked. I’m not going to lie. Merry freaking Christmas.

But then what does it mean? Was I originally being considered? I’m not going to dwell on it too much, but it makes me wonder. This doesn’t change a thing. I guess I just have to be the best home team player possible, and show travel what they’re missing.

Moving on... Have you ever heard of Paleo? Sometimes referred to as the “Caveman Diet”. Basically the life of our ancestors before the great agricultural revolution, fast food, and packaged goodies. People say they can see a difference in their body within two weeks, on the paleo diet. I’m not saying they suddenly have ripped abs, but their health and vitality increases. I can’t say I felt that way when I started paleo. Honestly, I had never even heard of paleo, when I started to transition. I’ve been on a weight loss journey for quite a few years now. I spent years slowly molding my diet, trying this and that. No, I didn’t try fad diets. I wanted real food, then gradually worked out processed, frozen “health” junk. I started thinking of my calories as dollars--I didn’t have many, so it better damn well be worth it! Grains felt like filler, so I started to cut it out.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve had stomach problems. I was pretty sickly as a child, constantly feeling queasy in the morning. In high school, for about a year, I had the most insanely painful stomach cramps. I mean, painful. Like, “kill me now!!!,” painful. No one believed me. I went to doctors, and even had an upper-gi. I basically drank some weird shake, and they watched it go through my system. It wasn’t fun. Eventually, the cramps went away. What I did have at all times was a bubbly gut. Basically, my tummy would make weird noises, like I was hungry, even when I had just eaten! I had NO idea what it was. I kinda figured it was just something I had to deal with for the rest of my life. Sucky, but that’s how it goes. Let me tell you, I HATED silent work places... ‘Cause those tummy growls could get loud and embarrassing.

Back to cutting out grains. I can’t quite remember when the tummy growling stopped, but I can tell you when I noticed I had them again. Graaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiins! I’d eat bread, and grrrrrrrrrrr went the tummy. And it only happened on my “off” weekends. That’s when I noticed that when I didn’t eat grains, my tummy was silent. Not a peep. I guess there was something to this paleo thing. I haven’t stuck 100% to paleo, and have even slacked off lately. I’ve also held on to this persistent pudge--the dreaded last 10 or 20 pounds. How do you get this crap to go away?! Just losing weight was super easy, when I had a lot to lose. I kinda melted away.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, but I think I’m going to make one this year. I’m calling it a year long experiment, though, and by sharing it through a blog, I’m hoping it keeps me more accountable. Are you ready? Wanna know what it is? Well, the blog is about taking my derby to the next level, and getting on the B team, through athletic training, and a paleo diet. My New Year’s resolution, and experiment--one YEAR of no processed sugar, or alcohol! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! This...should be interesting.

I know this entry was long. I promise to try to keep it shorter next time. ;]

Day From Hell...

“You have one second to cry... Just one second.”

I wiped my eyes and headed back to my desk. Just a few minutes before, I had received a text from a friend, asking if I had received my email, with an invite to join the travel team. The coach had posted on the group, that emails with invites had gone out. I excitedly opened my gmail, and waited as it loaded. Three emails--not a single one from the coach. My heart dropped, but I had already told myself that I was trying out just to do it. If I didn’t make it, no big deal. I think I had lied to myself.

“No email,” to my friend.

“I didn’t make travel,” to my husband.

Yep. I definitely lied to myself about not caring. I sure did care. A lot! I spent the day in a funk, feeling sorry for myself. Even while at the company Christmas luncheon, I was downtrodden. My spirit picked up, as I chowed down on a semi-tasty slice of prime rib. I went home, and started to wrap presents, before my husband got home. Soon, the stomach cramps started... I couldn’t be getting sick! No way!

Way. I spent the night puking my guts out. There went lunch. All of it. That prime rib wasn’t so tasty on the way back up. Here I am at work, the next day, typing this, my first blog entry. I had been toying around with the idea, when a friend had presented me with the opportunity to join him and a few others, in their own derby blogs.

A blog? Yeah, I think I can write a blog. What about, though? Fitness? I like fitness. I always get asked for help with losing weight (I myself, having lost 70 pounds on my own). Although, I haven’t been able to lose this last bit of weight... Yeah, it’s way harder. I want to relate this bad boy to derby, in more than just getting fit FOR derby. So, here I am, NOT on the travel team, sick as a dog from bad food, and writing my first blog entry. Boy, when the universe comes knocking, sometimes it blows down the door in the process... I think I have an idea: my journey, through better fitness and nutrition, to take my game to the next level.

I think that’s enough for now. I’m feeling kinda queasy... Tune in for how all this crud relates. It does! Trust me...